Short Mid-Week Musings
Life has been flying at a breakneck speed for lately, and frankly I am having trouble keeping up. I have not dropped many of the juggling balls yet; but, have come within centimeters of epic crashes. Time is extremely limited and choosing how to spend it, is the great ancient and life task I grapple with now. While finding that my inner drive and quirky Liz world appear to be thriving and limitless; my filter seems to be leaving the building, and laughter and tears sweep through easily. (Tears at home, lol, still a Lucena and crying in public... well a task for the next life.). I am barreling (turning :) ),through life as it speeds on.
It has already been almost a week since the Nachmo stream. What a wonderful experience. A young dancer giving it her all, and watching with friends at Spotlight Vermont (yes, masked and distanced) was a delight. I threw pride away and laid on the floor watching with bolster set up and that made the experience so much easier. Exhaustion, winter, too much physical activity, increased sugar have made the back angry... oh so angry. But what is a little pain in the face of having a voice in this world where so many are silent or repressed. Watching all the offerings gave us laughter, joy and surprise, who can ask for more. (It is still possible
What I am left with is gratitude. This January the world and personal events filled me with rage and despair. Every tool in the tool box was full steam ahead, including Cadbury mini eggs... less helpful than one might think ;).
I have battled sleeplessness, pain, and resentments. I have come to understand that what I have been accused of is true, I am judgmental, and my standards are too high. I know this now because I have learned about concepts like minimum sufficient level of... fill in your own personal blank. I am someone who fights complacency , idealism with no action, and good enough, I feel with right effort greatness is around the corner. Yet, right now I am living the meaning of minimums. What is the minimum of care, money, safety, personal responsibility... I am haunted by these questions in the wee hours, and surprise surprise, have come up with no answers. Perhaps there are no global answers so once again it becomes personal choice.
How do I live my life? How do I proceed when the world seems to be personally out to defeat me. The old, and yes annoying answer. Stop thinking and live now. As Rumi has said , now is where love breathes.
I can dance and create now. I can be grateful for the snow (a first for me )and sun we have had, helped greatly by epic snow molds that demand mindfulness. (If you don’t pay attention the penguin just doesn’t turn out, and who needs a another disappointment.) I can try to find appreciation and laughter when Mama Maria sends away Merry Maids because she doesn’t like them. If the Merry Maids showed up at my house, I would be doing a dance of Joy, and would be sure to tell them there was a second small bathroom in the back lol. Maria says no thanks and shuts the door, undeterred, unremorseful. Stubborn resilience, thy name is Maria.
Instead, I am feeding the birds, walking in starlight, and coming through the tunnel of January.
Watching Talia dance this past Friday I felt the chains of January start to melt away. The world is still a mess, the Maria situation is an increasingly horrible mess, much of my personal life is a mess, parts of my house are a mess, Daisy, aka Grumpy Cat is a matty, dirty, demented mess. What does this tell me, life is messy. Why is this constantly a news flash for me? I learn once again my control issues make me believe if I do more and more, all the messes can be fixed; instead more messes crop up.
Enough. Proceeding with optimism, unbridled exhausted optimism, hope and joyful gratitude. I am still here, my littles are are still here, Don is still here, Hooper, the best dog in the world, still here, and my life saver, dance is still here, still flickering with life. Different, trapped in the studio or online, but here and vibrant and always beautiful. Reaffirming once again that life can be beautiful even in the face of January storms.
Peace and dance on.